I purposely took this long to do part 2 so that I could let everything settle and get my thoughts together. I now have a better understanding of what has been holding me back and will work to embody my ideal voice, but won’t be confined to my own psychological barriers. I am open to everything. During my travels I came to about 3 conclusions to why I “lack” a voice during my introspective and adventurous Spring Break. However, I will begin with the pivotal moment of my voice searching enlightenment.
I recently started reading Sula by Toni Morrison and as I became more involved with the novel, the words I read paralleled my journey during break:
“It had been an exhilarating trip but a fearful one… But she had gone on a real trip, and now she was different… I’m me. I’m not their daughter. I’m not Nel. I’m me. Me.”- Sula
As break approached I had no plans because I am in a play and thought that I had to stay home for rehearsal. Even though I couldn’t jet set off somewhere I made the most of being home by going to the thrift store, eating at new places, and got a cool flashlight from a new friend. Although, this was all fun and all that jazz, but I noticed a lack of emails from the director of the play. So I decided to go to Boston, MA to visit my best friend who attends Northeastern University. Although I am old enough to make my own decisions and drink, I am the youngest of my brother and I feel a sense of responsibility when communicating with my mom. ( So I can stay the favorite haha) Yet, when I “asked” her to go to Boston, I hit myself on the head like “I should have had a V8″ because I know how she is. If I had just went without talking to her there would have been no problems. . . But I did and things got real.
The result of me “asking” her was yes, but then flooded me with questions: who you going with? how you getting there? am I or you paying for it? when are you going? etc. I answered all these questions with perfect answers and she was still being reluctant, not answering my phone calls/text, and providing me with irrational statements and reasons to why I should not go to Boston. This was her closing argument ” I don’t know his roommates so you can’t go, how about you come home for the rest of your break and hang out with so and so. I thought to myself I barely know my own roomies F that and most of my friends aren’t around. Generally, in these types of situations with my mom I back down and retreat, letting her have her way as I give her the satisfaction that she still controls me. Yet, this time I was persistent, vocal, and not taking no for answer! Even though she said no and I was sad and discouraged for an hour or so, I thought to myself I’m grown and I need to live my life for myself and not for anyone else, including my mom.
Next thing you know I am impulse shopping and buying my bus tickets to Boston ( I bought my ticket packed my bag in the span of about maybe 15 hours until I had to be on a bus for 10 hours & I almost backed out a couple times) I told a few of my good friends where I was going just so that someone knew my whereabouts, I didn’t tell my mom. Fast foreword living it up meeting new people and admiring the architecture in Boston. Next day my mom calls I was in shock and didn’t answer (I die laughing) with my friends. Day after, she calls I answer she asks where I am, I say Boston and then she gives a few cold words and hangs up. I didn’t let that ruin my trip.After, four days I made it home safe and sound.
In the end I went, I saw, and I conquered.
Yes, my behavior was quite rebellious, but I believe it the experience taught me a very important lessons that provided me with insight into myself. And what I have learned is relatable to others. These lessons are recycled and repeated everyday, but not until recently I have been able to apply them to myself.
Lesson 1: I need to live for myself. I cannot live for my mom or anyone no matter how much I care for them. I cannot allow their own personal limitations to keep me from living and being happy. I have been given this life and I have to do what I feel is best for me and my well-being .
Lesson 2: I shouldn’t be afraid to experience the world alone. I know that I am never alone, and I should welcome the opportunities to try new things or visiting new places alone, even though it warrants to be more alert. It also builds character. lol
Lesson 3: I cannot allow fear to hold me back. I believe this speaks for itself.
With this experience and insight newly in my mind, I am excited for the next adventures and learn opportunities. All of the photos are from my adventures in Boston